Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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