shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
