He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
