if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
