i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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