apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
