who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
