she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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