i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
