Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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