420 ftw
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
