I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize