If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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