I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
In America we eat man semen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
