really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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