It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
