I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
