Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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