I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize