I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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