Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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