This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
