the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
COCAINE IS GR8
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
