Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize