MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
