Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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