Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
