I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
