I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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