I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
