I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
