My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
