toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
