I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
