I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
