People in love make me want to vomit
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
