We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
