Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
