I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize