I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my phone needs a breathalizer
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
