I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
