last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
