shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
