Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
