So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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