...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
