did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What a dumb baby whore.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
