My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
