I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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