So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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