Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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