I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
