holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize