im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i think i have herpe
just one?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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