you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
