There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They have beer where we have blood.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
