I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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