Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
