I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
