Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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