She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize