Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
