I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
