I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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