well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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