Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
